edge

we stood around and stared.  no one wanted to leave.  no one wanted to stay.  we didn’t want to part company, but we knew we couldn’t stay around forever.  we all know our limits and when we have a free minute we maximize it.  we live on the edge and we test that every time we get the chance.

i know my life is getting ready to shake up again.  will that ever change?  i guess on one hand i’m fortunate that i know it’s going to happen.  i know i have the strength to ride it out, but i crave stability.  i crave it more than anything.  is what i want completely unattainable?  do i want something that doesn’t exist?  will i know it when i get what i need?  do i have it now and just don’t recognize it?  i don’t think so.  there is a gap.  a large hole that makes me feel incomplete.  i know what i think will take care of that, but will i be grateful and accepting if and when i get it?  what if i don’t get it?  the fear of that keeps me up at night.  while i recognize that we are born alone, and we die alone, i don’t want to be alone.  and i know, mostly, i’m not alone.  but i am.  is the fullness of that alone-ness what i’m supposed to accept?  it just doesn’t feel right.  and yet, i don’t know any other way to fix it than what i’m doing right now.   so i must be on the right path.

===============

i  wrote this excerpt on 12/30/10.  interestingly, i’m not sure *exactly* what i was writing about, but it could apply to so very much in my life over the past 2 months, really much of my life.  i was laid off –  i was expecting that… maybe that’s it?  i have lost my realtor and need a new one, i need a job desperately and i’m still in that spot of unknowing and knowing.  There is no way for anyone to know what will happen day to day.  You can make hedged bets and educated guesses, but until the now is actually now, there’s no way of knowing.  I get that.  I’d just like to have an idea.  The person that hired me was forced out.  The person that was technically my boss wasn’t going to give the power that be (were) the satisfaction of control.  I just need to be paid.  I am great at whatever I do.  I run circles around whatever I set out to do… and yet, I wasn’t wanted.  I get it.  I had more experience professionally than even the owners, never mind the office management.  I saw the fault lines, and while i was a huge asset, i’m sure i would or could have turned into a huge issue.

I still need a job.  I still need to sell my house.  It strikes me more and more how much it sucks to own a house, even a new one, when I’m a single female.  I feel I have no one that wants to help me without being paid or without being completely put out.  That sucks.  I really want to get out from under it, but I’m just not sure how.  there are some maintenance issues that need to be addressed, a lot of which I can do, but I need someone who isn’t going to completely take advantage of me, and how do I know that’s going to be the case?  Trust?  hmmm… I’m severely lacking on that these days.  It’s a cause for some deep sadness… and even though that is not who i am, it’s overwhelming this time.  I’ll survive.  I always do.  I would just like to be on the upside than where i am right now.

over and out, for now.  wish there was more sunshine and roses.

Advertisements

About this entry